Monday, January 21, 2013

When Will I be Ready?

Many of my friends are having their second baby. I am thrilled for them. Anyone who knows me gets my love of kids (could be why I became a teacher). I love seeing their baby bumps and hearing about their pregnancies. But this influx of second children among others has gotten me thinking...are we (am I) ready for another baby?

Michael and I have had many discussions on the number of kids we want and how far apart we'd like them to be. It's getting close to the time where we would probably think of having another child, but my mind has become filled with many doubts.

When I had Dylan there was this instant love that was greater than anything I'd ever felt before. And as he grows, so does that love. How can I share this feeling with someone else? Although many, many mothers have done this before me it still seems like an impossible feat. But I also didn't know the love I'd feel before Dylan, so maybe it's something like that.

I also worry about the time I'll have for Dylan. I am already a working mom, so I have enough guilt when I leave Dylan every morning. It's not that I fantasize about being a stay-at-home mom, because I love working and I love what I do. But I still have guilt that someone else gets to spend that quality time with him every day. A newborn needs a lot of attention and time, I feel like I was nursing Dylan around the clock. How will he feel when someone else is in my arms?

These doubts may seem silly to some, but they are real to me. They aren't enough to not have another baby, because I don't want Dylan to be an only child. I want him to have someone special to share secrets with, get into trouble with, and to put up with his annoying parents with. Ha! Realistically I know that no my love for Dylan won't diminish, and it will be exciting to see that love grow like flames from a candle. So maybe when the time comes to think about adding to our family, I won't be so nervous.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Commencement

I finished grad school a few weeks ago. It was a big feat and since I know have a little time back I wanted to write about this adventure. Of course, the holidays hit and I was crazy busy; then I wanted to spend time with my favorite guys. Since school starts again Monday I figured I would stop procrastinating.

My parents never graduated from college, so getting my degree seemed like a big deal, mainly because I've always been a pleaser and I wanted to make them proud. College didn't seem like a choice...it seemed like a priority. All of this "pressure" and I still didn't feel like graduating was an accomplishment. I'd been in school most of my life, what was a few more years? Then I joined the "real world" and began working and taking care of myself. I knew that someday I would want to pursue a Masters degree, but that seemed so far away I put it out of my mind. Several years later the state government decided to pass a new law...teachers would no longer be paid according to level of experience. If I wanted to be paid as a Master teacher I had to start on my degree right away. The drawback here...I had just had a baby and was on maternity leave. I applied right away and was accepted into grad school at Ball State.

I spent two years trying to balance being a mom, wife, teacher, and student. It was a struggle. I slacked at doing housework, I didn't cook like I'd wanted, and I had to ignore my son at times when I would have rather been with him. I learned how great my partner was when he stepped in to pick up all the slack I had left behind. He deserves a medal or a parade! I was a less than par teacher; I had to spend extra time on homework and projects instead of spending time on lesson plans and school projects. I wasn't even a great student because I didn't have the energy to put into class work like I had during my undergrad.

At this point I don't know if it was all worth it, but I feel like I did make an accomplishment this time. I chose to further my education. I took a path that will hopefully better my future. And I will be able to teach my children that their mother doesn't back down from a tough challenge, but instead faces it head on and wins. 

As 2013 rolls out I hope that I can use all this "extra" time to meet some other goals I have.